Resilience – The Importance of Preparing Your Child for Life
Ask a thousand parents, and not one of them will tell you they want to raise a child into an adult incapable of self-sufficiency. We all want our children to thrive as adults – to be happy, successful, beneficial members of society. To be capable of handling stressful situations in a mature manner. To help others who are less fortunate and treat everyone with respect.
On the flip side, ask a thousand parents and not one of them will tell you they want their child to suffer loss, hardship, despair, or fear. If possible, most parents would take on those painful parts of life instead, shielding their child from possible heartache.
Unfortunately, you cannot have one without the other. Self-sufficient, capable adults have lived through, and benefitted from, both the wonderful and the difficult sides of life. It is difficult to empathize with those less fortunate if you have only known surplus. It is impossible to have confidence that you can succeed if you have never had to fall short of a goal.
The definition of resilience is “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.” Psychologists define resilience as the process of adapting well to adversity, tragedy, trauma, and significant sources of stress. It is the ability to go through difficult times and still emerge whole and confident. Resilience is NOT a personality trait that an individual either possesses or does not. It is a learned behavior.
But how are behaviors learned? More specifically, how does resilience become something a child learns? The answer is simple: by going through times of stress, times of challenge, times of struggle.
It is impossible to raise a child completely sheltered from difficulty, though some parents try. Attempts to protect children from every possible harm, both large and small, can actually significantly undermine development of important coping skills, independence, and confidence. It sends the message, albeit unintentionally, that you do not believe they can handle the situation – therefore, THEY will not believe it, either. Though difficult, a balance must be struck between taking over a particular situation and subtly guiding them through it.
Stress admittedly has a bad reputation, and chronically high levels can lead to significant health consequences. However, the underlying purpose of stress is for good. Stress motivates our bodies in times of crisis or threat, in order to survive. Learning to recognize what should be classified as “crisis or threat” is an important part of developing into an adult, as is learning to deal with stress in a healthy way. Stress can motivate or it can debilitate, depending on a child’s response to the situation. Removing stress from a child’s life does not allow them to learn healthy ways to manage and deal with it, or to gain the confidence that they can do so.
So how can you help your child develop resilience, something vital and necessary for becoming a competent adult?
- Allow your child to try. Do not restrict them “just in case they get hurt” but give them this necessary freedom. In other words, supervise for safety, but get out of their way! This builds confidence and curiosity.
- Allow your child to work. Do not take over projects or do it for them so it’s easier or they won’t “mess up.” Be there for questions and advice, but let them figure it out as much as possible. It is their project, not yours. Let them own it, good or bad. This builds character and a sense of accomplishment.
- Allow your child to fail. Do not intervene to prevent failure, for without failure there is no desire to try again. Kiss the “boo boos” both physical and emotional, and give them the encouragement to begin again. This builds coping skills and determination and a desire to succeed independently.
- Allow your child to fight battles. Do not always intercede on their behalf. Allow them to talk to the teacher, the coach, the friend. If you are always fighting their battles they will never learn to stand up for themselves or interact appropriately with authority figures. This builds cooperation and self worth.
- Allow your child to have a safety net. This is YOU. Knowing you will be there, loving them no matter the mistakes they make allows them to take challenges and risks more easily. Studies have shown that the most important factor to building resilience in childhood is a strong and stable relationship with at least one adult. This builds trust and self-assurance.
Resilience is vital for healthy development, allowing a child to conquer the challenges of adolescence and future adulthood. Think of the long-term goals you have as a parent – primarily, to raise competent adults who can rise to challenges and face adversity without shutting down emotionally or turning to poor coping mechanisms such as drugs and alcohol.
Be there for your children, but do not live life for them. Give them love, stability, understanding. Enjoy their childhood, balancing the inherent parental nature to protect them at all costs with the knowledge that allowing them to experience difficulties is necessary to develop the resilience they so greatly need.
Resources
Book: Building Resilience in Children and Teens by Kenneth Ginsburg, MD.
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